OCD feels like a nightmare magic show I didn’t ask to attend. Trickery around every corner that leaves you questioning reality and sometimes even life.
There is no limit to the tricks OCD can pull. You get shown by your therapist or by self education how one trick works but then before you can blink another deception is being played.
The moment you feel equipped to outsmart the ‘magic’ it seems to learn new ‘magic’.
When you begin to accept that the thoughts are just thoughts and you can have the thoughts without the full anxiety and you begin feeling like you’ve taken steps, OCD then pulls out its showstopper. It makes you question why you aren’t reacting and sucks you right back into the trickery. It leaves you with thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t that thought disgust me anymore? why am I not reacting? Why don’t I feel anxious? Maybe I want the thoughts? What if I don’t have OCD?’.
The tricks will continue to change, they will continue to appear in different forms to engage you. They will appear more elaborate and make you question if they are even tricks or if they are actually real. They will leave you wanting to know the secrets behind them, all the ‘why’s, how’s and ‘this must mean’ questions’. OCD will involve you in the show getting you to feel attached to it and responsible for it, your participation is what OCD thrives on. Even by avoiding it all you are participating because then it works harder for your attention.
The only way to beat the deception, to outsmart the ‘magic’ is to stop trying to (the hardest thing is to stop trying, I know). Only focus on now. This moment. So right now you can accept uncertainty of the future and you can accept that the OCD tricks are just deception. We don’t need to know the secrets to the tricks. They all come from the same place. Our brains. A chemical imbalance in our brains that have no bearing on who we are as individuals.
How simple to write? But how absolutely torturous to actually be able to accept. How crushing to live with these mind tricks that are relentless. I’m still learning, I’m still recovering, I’m still watching the tricks and wanting to know for certain why they are being played. I’m still involved in the show.
Let’s play our own showstopper on OCD. Acknowledging it, appearing to thank it for bringing that trick or thought to our attention, and then moving on past it to something positive in our life without asking the burning question, ‘why?’.
As always, we are in this together.