Falling into the OCD trap

I couldn’t blog yesterday because the OCD seemed to grab on.
I am currently doing a mindfulness workbook by Jon Hershfielf, MFT and Tom Corboy, MFT. I was so keen to get started but delayed it for a few hours when I looked at the contents and realised that there was a section on my specific theme. Seeing it there made me spike slightly. I flipped straight through to that section and read the first few words and then closed it. I knew that I would be working on my specific primary theme and needing to write about it which I still can’t do in any real detail.
I left the book then mid afternoon I picked it up and began reading it. It was interesting and made sense. I began working through the initial sections of it answering questions then challenging them as directed.
I sat for hours getting through the workbook. After seven hours we were watching a tv show in the background and a very attractive celebrity was on it. My husband at first when the series began last week said he didn’t find her attractive and said she wasn’t his type but tonight when the adverts came on he said, “oh look she’s in an advert to” and I said, “I knew you’d end up liking her.” He smiled and said “What?” and he said in the advert with straight hair she did look quite attractive. I began to get upset. Not because he thought a celebrity was attractive, she was, and I knew that. I was already thinking while watching the show, ‘Why can’t I be normal like them?, they all have it okay and don’t have OCD, why do I have this stupid illness’. 
All day I had my primary thought circling my head and I knew I was falling into the trap of trying to prove it or disprove it. I knew it had been bothering me all day and I wasn’t applying the right tools. I was falling into its trap of ruminating, withdrawing and telling the thought to just ‘go away and leave me alone’.
I burst out crying after the celebrity comment. I told my husband I was already irritated that the thought was bothering me more than it had been and this work book was reminding me in every paragraph how wrong my way of OCD thinking is. Every paragraph talked about different thinking patterns, ‘magnifying, future predicting, zoning in’ and I did it all and that upset me. I felt like I was being berated by this work book. My husband said it would be a good idea to stop now but I couldn’t. I wanted to stop but just wanted to be fixed and had to keep going. Another hour and I could barely absorb the information. I was struggling to even read the sentences having to reread parts over and over and over and it still wasn’t sticking. I wanted to get to the section on my theme even though that was so much further into the book. I wanted answers, I wanted to do the exercises and feel better or cured.
OCD had its claws so far into me and I allowed it. I sat and through passiveness to the world around me and through rising anxiety I allowed it. After eight hours of the OCD workbook focus my husband took the book from me. He then nodded off in the chair and I began googling for reassurance. I watched video after video, looked on peer communities and read information. I couldn’t help but try and feel better.
Another two hours later and I finally heard on one of the videos someone mention, not being alone. It hit me quite hard. I had let the OCD take hold and tell me, ‘I’m all alone, I’m the only one feeling like this, I’m isolated’ and I forgot about the millions of others going through this. The many many others that have the exact theme that I do. That have the exact same thoughts and worries that I do. Then I felt the slight relief. I could let go slightly. I wrote these words down, ‘you are not alone’ as pictured in the feature photo taken straight from my note book. It helped.
I have woken feeling a bit uncomfortable and drained from yesterday and annoyed I let myself fall into the traps. I did all the compulsions I was working hard to stop. I allowed myself to start believing the horrible lies of OCD. Yesterday OCD won that battle but as I will remind myself, it will not win the war.
A x

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