Seeking someone the same

While discussing my blog with my counsellor yesterday she suggested it would be a good idea to blog about what I was talking about.

So I have discussed how much detail to go into around my violent/sexual thoughts OCD and at the moment I am just not ready to go into huge detail. I am still in early recovery and it’s an area that although I have made very good steps in, it still bothers me. Even though I understand these thoughts are nothing to do with me or my morals I still can’t shake that uncomfortable feeling that comes in waves.

I was explaining that when I looked online I was looking for other OCD stories based on my exact fear. I was desperate to find others who had my exact thoughts. I found an OCD advocate online who was amazing, I could watch her talk about violent/sexual OCD and I didn’t feel as ashamed, disgusted or guilty, she helped me to feel better about OCD and that it isn’t anything to be ashamed about. She spoke about it in such a light hearted but also factual way that I felt I could understand this even more. I remember watching and I was desperate for her to say what her fear was. She listed examples and mentioned my fear but didn’t say which ones were her fears. I thought, ‘Please say which is your fear so I can know if it’s the same as mine’. I wanted to know this person I looked up to had the same theme as me. However as I watched more of her videos and didn’t learn what her specific thoughts were that ‘need to know’ reassurance seeking compulsion lessened. I stopped caring what her specific theme was and I was able to apply the tools I learnt from her videos to my OCD even though I didn’t know if our specific thoughts were the same. After a while I learnt what her fears are and by reading her book I learnt more about her OCD and how it manifests. Her fears do touch on mine but her main fear isn’t the same as my main fear and it has taught me that it doesn’t matter what my theme is compared to someone else (although it is very reassuring to know many others have my exact theme, it’s actually not going to make my treatment any more effective if I only seek out research on just my theme) because OCD has the same traits and patterns no matter what the theme or content is.

I thought if others are reassurance seeking like I was, by needing to find others with the exact same thoughts, then maybe it’s best if I don’t go into super great detail because I wouldn’t want someone reading my blog or watching my video then me going into huge detail and the person thinking, ‘Well your thoughts aren’t the same as mine so this won’t be of help to me’. My blog/video/page is for everyone with OCD, with any form of OCD and I think people could begin missing out on important information by only ‘zoning in’ on people with their exact fear. The theme isn’t important which is one of the hardest parts to OCD to accept. Of course, the themes are distressing and unpleasant and there are common themes and thoughts, though the imagination of OCD is limitless, so please don’t be worried if you experience thoughts or feelings that I don’t list. I try and list the more common ones but like I have said it’s limitless. It’s the process behind the thoughts and how you react to them that needs focus, not the theme. The themes can be interchangeable which just shows how the content of the thought is actually not important…For example you could have thoughts like:-

I’m worried I might be…a murderer or pedophile or rapist or an abuser or an attacker or gay or straight or having incestuous feelings or inappropriate images of feelings about my God, contaminated etc

What if I….Stab someone or hurt or sexually or physically abuse someone or run someone over with my car or want sex with animals, contaminate someone else and they get sick or die, or like men or women or have sexual feelings to a family member or become a murderer or pedophile or rapist or an abuser or attacker or gay or straight etc

I must be…evil or a monster or a bad person or becoming this thought or being punished or disgusting etc

A lot of the questions we ask because of OCD have the same base to the question so… ‘I’m worried I might be…What if I…I must be…’ but yet the content of the end of those sentences change to a whole variety of themes person to person.

This shows how OCD has common traits and follow common patterns.

I understand what a relief it is to hear someone say your own thoughts and fears because you know you are not alone, it’s a comfort to hear someone else with the exact same thoughts/fears and themes as yourself and to not feel so crazy because someone else is the same but it can also be reassurance seeking and that can make the OCD worse or you may miss out on help if you decide you are only focusing on researching a specific theme. I have gone into my past OCD issues and am okay with that as they do not bother me to the extent the violent/sexual OCD thoughts have and continue to as I am early in recovery.

Whatever your theme/content/thoughts are, we are in this together. We all experience the same doubt, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, embarrassment, low mood/depression, worries, what ifs, torment, pain and all the other emotions that go with it, of course to varying degrees person to person, and you may only have trouble with one specific emotion or all of them or other ones to like anger. There is no one theme that is worse than the other because to each of us, our own fear/theme/thoughts are the worst of the worst but the emotions that we all experience although different fears/themes/thoughts are all the same because that is what OCD does to us all.

I hope this is useful information as I feel it’s important.

A x

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